Prepratory love letter

I am now pretty sure that I would not be able to find a cupid who will be gracious enough to target for me the lady by whom I have been targeted. But, I could not keep the lover inside me to stop wondering in thoughts. One of thoughts, which I found nicer, is below. I hope to find a be-fitting 'model' for it soon.

How I wished I had someone with whom I could talk in silence

How I wished I had someone whom I could enjoy my sorrows

How I wished I had someone who made me belive in love

now that I have met you,  I wish that person was you

After thought: I just realized that my blog requires some colours, especially since its summer here, the missing colours seem so obvious.

Just some thoughts, full of contradictions..

Today in very sad mood. Have been thinking about the life ahead and it gives me a head-ache. So not sure about it, so not know whats next. No doubt, It would have made a really nice suspense novel, but in life its hard to live up with secrets. My professor is sure that I would make a good PhD student. He even told me I was better than most of the idiots in their third of year of PhD (i was so flattered, badly needed that ego boost). But still I am not sure of doing a one. I do not think I have patience and ability to work hard, that doctorate requires. And that too study for 4-5 years more.......!!! Its kind of strange that I might have to take up a career that I do not like. At this moment I so much hate people who are so sure about what they want to do with their life, particularly Howard Roarks character in the fountainhead. (at this point, i just remembered lyrics from one of my fav songs, the sunscreen song, how much I would like to believe in the line the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t). The question is if not PhD, then what. And thats the problem. I have so many options if not PhD. I am sure I would be able to find a nice job in India (I never thought i could be a good employee, but from the response that I got from my supervisor here and the employeer back in India, I think I could make a good employee). And then there is always joining the Popsys business. Or else, as the friends have been contemplating, starting our own.

Options makes us confused. Watched somewhere on TED.com a video where experiments suggested that people who have more options in life are the one who tend to be more un-happy in life. And thats what I am. I try to close the eyes and think, what is really that I want to do in life. And after hours of mind-maddening thinking, I have reached the conclusion that basically I want to do nothing. I do not want to work or study. Life would be so much fun, just watching movies, documentaries I like, reading books, listening to music, travelling (and if I may add, drinking wine). Thats what I want to do and I am not sure if I could afford it. Have this stupid bollywood idea that I should just marry (now thats one of the other things I do not wish to do, but still) a rich girl and try to live off her money. But on second though, I attained my senses and realized that it will, most probably, turn out an expensive bargain for me. While I am on that topic, just wanted to put it down officially that I have not been able to maintain prolong interest (more than 2 weeks) in any of the girls. When I look around and see others in relationship or married, I reach the conclusion either there is something terribly wrong with me or with them all. And since in democracy its not right or worng which matters, but the opinion of majority, I conclude its me. Have had four crushes/one- sided love (???) affairs in life. They were each at different stages. In school, it was Miss A. Mrs, now. In undergraduate miss S.S., married to a then friend (long story, and probably not that interesting, should skip it now), in masters in India, Miss C. still single. And here in Europe a videshi girl, Miss M, who is in a relationship. Only expressed my wish to Miss S.S. and it turned out not so good. Since then have played the role of Mentor to all the lovers in college. (was even thinking of writing a book entitled what not to do in Love). To think of it, I realize they were/are just crushes. I have not exchanged more than double digit conversations with any of them, and perhaps that the secret that my crush on them never faded. Had I started talking, god knows, it would have just taken two weeks of intense talking for my mind to have got better of my crush. Or atlest, I hope so.

I was just thinking if the things what we like/choose, makes us or it is the other way around. Is the person defined by the things he likes or the things which are liked by him defines him. Like most of these kind of questions, there is no absolute and right answer to this. Neither black, nor white, but somewhere grey. The life right now is so full of contradictions and the irony is I like logic.

Hopelessly missing

Today was the marriage of one of my friend in India. Most of the friends were there to attend the wedding. I called them and started to feel the blue. Not able to make up my mind if it is India that I am missing or my college friends and the family members.

Yesterday the attempt to complete the report failed miserably (again !!). Spend the most of time reading the blog of Indian girl and trying to pin-point her in the vast ocean of internet (again, failed). Then started chatting and watched The big bang theory (man I am awesome at finding ways to procrastinate).

The eye infection is getting better, but the eye still seems a bit swollen. In spite of infection went to lab, to check and water the plants. One of the double mutant seems to be wrong. I have so few seeds, don't want to start it all over again. Hope I find the right one after genotyping.

Gave some stranger my number on orkut. Turns out he knows me from the time I used to teach GRE-GMAT-SAT maths. Got a call from him today and already started regretting my giving him the number. He is going to give my number to his friend, whose friend is coming to my city. Though the talk was uninteresting, it was so good to talk in my mother language with someone. I guess that too is partly responsible for my home-sickness.

Have a hectic week ahead. Lets hope it passes by quickly, as the culture night awaits us this weekend. By that time, my friend S would also return from India.

I know you believe you understand what you think I said, but I am not sure you realise that what you heard is not what I meant - Variously attributed to Alan Grenspan and Robert McCloskey amongst others.

Finally summer..

Finally summer is here. Its so bright and beautiful outside. And here I am still working on my last summers report :(. I wish I was not this lethargic (now it also shows on the number of posts i have on my blogger account), but now I know the reason for my being so lazy, its there in my astrological birth chart (Really, Popsy told me so). The worst part is, I got paid to do the report and I have not submitted it yet.

Anyways, since summer is here, its going to be some party time. Last night, there was party on the ground besides my student corridor. Its so much fun to see drunk guys and girls (especially girls). I need to increase my tolerence level to alcohol though. Just couple of beers and I am full 'TALLI'. Not good, but then I dont have to spent much on alcohol. I was with J, as S is visiting India. Meet this pakistani guy, who was just sitting on the edge of ground. We started chatting and on being asked why he was not dancing, he gave an interesting reply. He said as he came from a third world country like pakistan, it was difficult for him to get used to the western culture, but for us (me and J), it was easy as we came from first world country !!! (I guess he had not noticed that I too was not dancing). Looking forward to the big party on the 28-29th of this month (I am not going to add that I am going to try to find either a gf or a hook-up, as I have finally taken for granted that I lack the ability to woo (and tolerate too) the fair sex). Sometimes think of making a movie out of my disastrous love (and sex implied) life. Perhaps making a sitcom is a better idea.

Have been so much procastinating on writing the report (8 months !!!, no doubt, i was in india for 3 months of that period, but still). I am not sure it its my lazyness or put words in order that is pulling me back. As such I have read more than the PhD student who is working on the topic (no bluffing here), but just dont want to write it.

Now coming to the world cup...Now a days i am not annoyed at the our losses. I dont know what has changed for me. Perpahs I have lost interest in them. Perhaps Since I do not spend time watching them anymore, I am less bothered by the outcome.

Have started watching Frasier again. Love Niles Krane's character. Also started waching The Big bang theory. Its ok. Good for killing time. Nothing special.

Just want to do away with the report now. Then have to gather the courage to meet the researcher. I hope he would be atleast happy to find that I have atlast completed the report.

Afternote:

Got a swollen right eye, probably from watching all the pretty girls yesterday (perhaps right one was more active in watching). And its paining. What more, cant wear my contacts today...

Cogito Ergo Sum (I think, therefore I am)- Rene Descartes

One more attempt...

Here I am, trying to test my resolution one more time. Don't know how many attempts I have made to write a diary/blogs and have failed. Was running through some of the random blogs, when I found one by Indian Girl, which has just re-ignited the desire to express my thoughts(Though I still doubt if shes a girl). Taking a leaf out of her book, I have decided to be 'Agyat' or annonymous.

I am badly missing my hostel days of India. Life was so cool back then. No-worries and was so sure about what I wanted to do in life. 2.5 years from that lovely college life, so far from India, and life is so uncertain right now for me. I don't know what possessed me to come here and start working in life sciences, when I knew I do not like research much. Must have been my idiotic dreamy mind, taking over my rationale.

I wish I would have waited a bit more and taken up MBA. But then again. Was not ready to pay such high fees. And so landed in science, where one gets scholarships.

Half way through my first post, and I already realized, its not easy to express myself. I have always been bad in communication, but have been good in languages (at lest my teachers thoughts so, and my grades reflected it).

Just watched Seinfield episode. Was good. But nothing beats Frasier. I love SATIRE. Perhaps thats the reason Chandler was my favourite character in Friends.

Want to watch Simpsons. But looking into my habits and obsession when I like a sitcom, I should perhaps wait untill i am done with my masters thesis.