Just some thoughts, full of contradictions..

Today in very sad mood. Have been thinking about the life ahead and it gives me a head-ache. So not sure about it, so not know whats next. No doubt, It would have made a really nice suspense novel, but in life its hard to live up with secrets. My professor is sure that I would make a good PhD student. He even told me I was better than most of the idiots in their third of year of PhD (i was so flattered, badly needed that ego boost). But still I am not sure of doing a one. I do not think I have patience and ability to work hard, that doctorate requires. And that too study for 4-5 years more.......!!! Its kind of strange that I might have to take up a career that I do not like. At this moment I so much hate people who are so sure about what they want to do with their life, particularly Howard Roarks character in the fountainhead. (at this point, i just remembered lyrics from one of my fav songs, the sunscreen song, how much I would like to believe in the line the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t). The question is if not PhD, then what. And thats the problem. I have so many options if not PhD. I am sure I would be able to find a nice job in India (I never thought i could be a good employee, but from the response that I got from my supervisor here and the employeer back in India, I think I could make a good employee). And then there is always joining the Popsys business. Or else, as the friends have been contemplating, starting our own.

Options makes us confused. Watched somewhere on TED.com a video where experiments suggested that people who have more options in life are the one who tend to be more un-happy in life. And thats what I am. I try to close the eyes and think, what is really that I want to do in life. And after hours of mind-maddening thinking, I have reached the conclusion that basically I want to do nothing. I do not want to work or study. Life would be so much fun, just watching movies, documentaries I like, reading books, listening to music, travelling (and if I may add, drinking wine). Thats what I want to do and I am not sure if I could afford it. Have this stupid bollywood idea that I should just marry (now thats one of the other things I do not wish to do, but still) a rich girl and try to live off her money. But on second though, I attained my senses and realized that it will, most probably, turn out an expensive bargain for me. While I am on that topic, just wanted to put it down officially that I have not been able to maintain prolong interest (more than 2 weeks) in any of the girls. When I look around and see others in relationship or married, I reach the conclusion either there is something terribly wrong with me or with them all. And since in democracy its not right or worng which matters, but the opinion of majority, I conclude its me. Have had four crushes/one- sided love (???) affairs in life. They were each at different stages. In school, it was Miss A. Mrs, now. In undergraduate miss S.S., married to a then friend (long story, and probably not that interesting, should skip it now), in masters in India, Miss C. still single. And here in Europe a videshi girl, Miss M, who is in a relationship. Only expressed my wish to Miss S.S. and it turned out not so good. Since then have played the role of Mentor to all the lovers in college. (was even thinking of writing a book entitled what not to do in Love). To think of it, I realize they were/are just crushes. I have not exchanged more than double digit conversations with any of them, and perhaps that the secret that my crush on them never faded. Had I started talking, god knows, it would have just taken two weeks of intense talking for my mind to have got better of my crush. Or atlest, I hope so.

I was just thinking if the things what we like/choose, makes us or it is the other way around. Is the person defined by the things he likes or the things which are liked by him defines him. Like most of these kind of questions, there is no absolute and right answer to this. Neither black, nor white, but somewhere grey. The life right now is so full of contradictions and the irony is I like logic.