The internet

Writing a post after a long long time. Have been not in the best of moods. Have started working AGAIN, after a period of nearly two months of near hibernation. Was unhappy with life, was missing friends, so went into a self imposed, self-protective cocoon. During this time, I have had much to do, but did nothing. Did not write up the thesis, did not went out to travel, did not read much, did not cook anything good, did not do anything fruitful, except watching a high dosage of movies and doing some thinking. Watched around 3-4 movies a day (or watched some series). Must have watched more than 100 movies during this period.

It was during this 'dark period' that I realized the part Internet has played in what I am today. I remember my pre-college days in India. Living in a small city in Gujarat, where people often do not consider art as one of the justifiable profession, I used to go to library and browse the books for hours, listen to my father about what books he liked, try to read news paper reviews to find something worth reading. Also, there were times when I wanted to read a book badly (To kill a mocking bird comes to mind instantly), but could not find it there.

Then comes the early college years. I was kind of black sheep amongst my friends. None of my friends, except one liked reading. Even the one who liked was not a die-hard reader. I was many times made fun of for reading a novel on the day before exam (and this thing got leaked to the girls hostel too...). But all this time, I had to struggle to find out something which I would like. I was like a frog in the well...desperate to look beyond the confines of the well, but hampared by the boundries.

It was then that I discovered internet power beyond regular mails. Tried to google best books of all time, read reviews and thus took a big leap that took me out of the well. Later, I used the same power of internet for movies and music. Found some friends on orkut, who shared my interests. Could discuss books with many. Get their opinions and recommendations. The world made sense now.

I am sure, I am not the only one. I am sure, internet has enlighten many who were seeking the light. It has made me come in contact with movies like Pather Panchali, Witness for the prosecution, The bicycle theives, Casablance, Guess who is coming for dinner; introduced me to fur elise, deepened my love for Yanni. Made my life witty with sitcoms like Frasier and Friends. Introduced me to the world of Manto.

I feel it would be apt if I hereby modify the quote from Casablanca, 'Here's looking at you, Internet'. And I wonder, what all the beautiful things are out there, about whom, I even don't know.

Just realised

I just realised that reading all those suspense novels for years, has made me in-tolerant to secrets. Also, on a completely different subject, made a note that I am prone to fall in love.

Marriages

I was talking with one of the college friend as part of one of my favourite activities (in addition to reading, watching sitcom and thinking) over the weekend. We were in the same class and were not that close friend, and not talked much during the college days. Let me call her MS. She is from UP. Like me she has taken studies a bit too seriously but unlike me, she seemed desperate to find 'a suitable match'. I was quite surprised when she told me to let her know if I know any good 'Gujju' boys, as she wants to settle in Gujarat. More surprised because she had an ample time to find a suitable guy during 4 years of the college life. To add to the fact that she belongs to fair sex, we had a distorted boys to girls ratio in college (70 boys to 10 girls :) :) :) ), the odds were really in her favour then. She even jokingly asked me to marry her, which I thought was very very weird. I have had this kind of proposals couple of times before, where the friend feels it is better to marry someone whom you know rather than marry someone whom they don't know, even if you are not in love with this guy. 

Anyways, the point of writing this is my sister. She too is feeling the blues for not being married 26 and something now. The boys that have been suggested by relatives are mostly dismissed by either my father or cousin brother for a myriad of reasons, most common being, HE WORKS IN SHARE MARKET. This is not unexpected as most gujjus do like cheap money. My sister does not want to settle in Mumbai, and my parents does not want an NRI. so that makes the things more complicated, as basically if one takes people who are not related to stock market, mumbai and foreign from Gujarati people of our religion, what remains is non-rich people. And thats one of the other criteria for rejecting the prospective groom. Last time I talked with the sister, she was so unhappy for all her friends being already married now, that she was seriously considering marrying the next who-so-ever proposal comes her way. 

I have not been too keen on arrange-marriage and its good that my father shares this opinion. Mother also shares the opinion, but with a tag of conditions apply. He/she should be of our caste, should be well-settled, be from a reputible family, etc etc (Its fun to watch her reaction when father tells me it would be ok for him if I wanted to marry some GORI from Europe). But not many parents think so in India, and I have strong dislike for this. (Inspite of the fact that If not for arrange marriages, I think I would be single forever). 

Most of the time parents think that their child, would invariably choose the wrong guy/girl (I know examples of love marriages ending terribly only within a year). I have a theory to justify this. In most of the cases, couples who are said to be in love are just so desperate to have a bf/gf, that they fall for for the first guy/girl who smiles to them. Most of the time, what they love is not their partner, but the idea that they are in love. Invariably, the resultant marriages form this 'love being in love' things end up in disaster. And parents, feel it their duty to stop such a thing to happen. What they forget is mostly two outcomes are possible, either the child will go against their will and marry the lover and thus spoiling the parent-child relationship or will listen to them and marry another 'more suitable' candidate and think what if-he/she married the lover instead, thus depriving her of enjoying the husband-wife relationship. The things get worse when the 'suitable' candidate turns out to be not so suitable. I know a couple who belong to a third category, they were in love, followed their parent's wish, married someone else, and are real happy now, but that is very rare.  

Personally, I would like to make my choice (even if I have to regret it later, at lest that would be my choice), then regretting not having made my choice.

Hostel Memoir: Pre-beginning and beginning of the Adventure

I chatted with a friend from hostel today and realized I am not the only one who is missing the college days. Thought it would be nice to write a memoir of hostel/college days in India. It would be difficult too, but hope it works out fine. Ill try to go chronologically, but that would not be always possible. Also, Ill have to mention a lot of names, as mine was a college hostel and hence we bunch of guys lived together practically for 24 hours, (for 4-6 years, depending on who was fool enough to do mater's degree). 

So, I begin with the first day. But let me make one thing clear. I come from very very conservative family, also a joint one, where one has to listen to one's parents, one's uncles, one's aunts, one's brothers, one's sister and finally is free to do what-ever he feels he wants to do, only to change it later according to the wish of majority. So after changing my decision couple of times, I finally agreed to take up sciences for my 10+2 (I initially wanted to take arts, but got good percentage in 10th, that ruined my dreams). After 12th, had the same dillema about what to do. One of the other characteristic of my Joint-Family was that boys, girls, brothers, sisters, aunts were not allowed to go out un-attended (I still remember that I had to call back to the uncles place, if I was to travel alone in Ricksaw, to give message that I have reached home safely, in addition, who-so-ever came to see me off to ricksaw, in variably took down the number of ricksaw, jsut in-case).

This back-ground might feel unwanted, but is necessary to give an idea how my mental state of mind must have been when I first went to hostel. My father came to drop me to the new city. Around 250 kms from my home place. I was not very keen on either hostel or taking plant science. We travelled first to my aunt's place, which is nearer to my college (around 60 kms) and stayed overnight there. In the morning took an early bus to reach the hostel. The college was in walking distance of hostel (3-5 minutes), with a big-big campus, located just outside the city. I was alloted the room, or rather my father was alloted the room for me (I was too afraid to go to assistant rector). I also contemplated the idea of taking a private room outside the campus out of fear of raging. But then father got me to consider living in hostel atlest for a while. 

So, I finally entered the room. It was on second floor. About 20 sq. mt. The bathrooms and toilets were common. the room was originally meant for two persons, but more people were squeezed in each room as the other hostel was damaged in earthquake earlier that year.  I had three more roomies. Mr. HP, PP, and CP. I felt that Mr. HP was don, as he was not accompanied by anyone to the hostel. Yes, he came alone. For me, that was the bravest thing one could possibly do at that time. Next, PP had both of his parents to drop him off. And I do not know about CP, has he was already there when I reached the room. 

So, me and Popsy had lunch together in hostel mess. I was not used to eating in front of so many people and so much of noise. But, I did felt that food was nice. I felt that all the bad things that I had heard about hostel food were roomers. I was happy for atleat one thing on that day. Later, I tried to get my things organized while Popsy took a walk around campus, and later went to buy the things that I might need. All this time, I had only exchanged greetings with my roomies. I didnt even go out of my room for the fear of being caught by seniors. Popsy arrived with some stuff and told he would better return back to aunt's place. I was so scared after seeing so many new people on the same day that I asked if I could come with his and return the next day. But later changed my mind as I had college at 8:10 next day. That itself was too early for me, and did not want to make it any earlier. 

As soon as Popsy left, I felt like a lost two year old kid (Yes, I was 18 year old kid then), not quite sure what to do. And incidentally all the 'bad' things started to happen. It was around 19:00 and the dinner was already being served in mess (which was just opposite to hostel), Was not sure should I go and eat or wait, as at home I used to have dinner with father at around 22:00 and was not particularly hungry. But then for the fear of remaining hungry for the whole night, if the mess run out of food, I joined my roomies for dinner. Looking back, it was quite funny scene. One could easily tell who the new-comer was. They all were in groups, usually of 4 people (the room-size :) ), very scared to look up. Hardly even talked within the group. All the ideas that I had during lunch, about hostel food being not-so-bad came shattering down. As all the parents had already left, the mess-contractor had wasted no time in starting to use maida and some weird-cheap stuff. I had to try real hard to finish what I had taken in first round. The dinner went on with out any incident, expect when my roomie Mr. HP shouted at the contractor for an extra 'papad' in front of all seniors. He got stern looks from most of them, but none created any trouble. My respect for HP grew 10 times more. 

Later that night, my roomies started talking (I was still too shy and afraid to talk with anyone) and its than that I realized that HP has been living in some other hostel in the same town for couple of years. He had all sort of 'local friends', and hence he was not afraid of any senior. Now two incident took place that night. Firstly, seniors started visiting the junior's rooms. They came in singly or in group of two. One of the senior-don turned out to be from same place as HP (At this point I made a mental note of never to agonize HP). He comforted him (not that HP needed any comforting) and told him not to worry as he would take care of him from other seniors (this made me worried to hell, for I had no one to take care of me). After he left, we discussed our percentage from 10+2. It seemed all thought that he was worthy of becoming a doctor, but had got stuck with plant science, except HP. He told he always wanted to do plant science as medicine was too difficult for him. 


Later one senior from my place came to my room.  In spite of being so tensed and afraid, I immediately recognized that he was a big fool. He was radiating foolishness all over himself. But, I had no one else to support in hostel, so I did cling to him and was relived to finally find someone who was from  my area. We talked for a while in room and he made a point to 'point out loudly' that if we wished to take a bath before going to college, we should be ready by 6:30, as after that 'seniors' were suppose to use the common bathroom-toilets. Also, he mentioned, just in passing, that we should be ready for an formal 'introduction' by seniors. Unlike the don-senior, he did not say anything about protecting me from other seniors.

As soon as he left, Mr. CP suggested that we should go to sleep, as we should wake up early to take shower. He could not digest the us going to college for first day without taking shower. Hence, we tried to sleep by 22:00, at my usual dinner time. I already was feeling hungry by then. This is when the second incident took place. It was early august (8-8-2001, to be precise), and hence it was quite cool in gujarat, with fine breeze. At the same time, there were quite a few mosquito. Popsy had already brought 'good-knight' for the room (he is a great planner-organisor). But the problem was HP wanted to keep windows open and fan close, to get natural air. While PP wanted it other-wise.  Its then that I witnessed my first loud-voiced, intense argument in hostel. I was feeling nervous like hell. The loud voices made me more nervous and the fear also increased, without any obvious reasons. I didn't want to get dragged in the argument and hence I pretended to be  asleep.  For CP neither thing mattered, and he was enjoying the argument on the matter. At last they decided to take a vote. I was waken up from my pretended-sleep for vote. CP voted for keeping window closed. Personally, since I was prone to catching cold and was having my bed next to window, supported keeping windows closed. However, for me, cold had already taken a back seat to fear. I did not want to make HP angry, afraid of his local friends and senior-don-connections. So voted for windows open. The vote was tied, with this they deiced a compromise of windows open-fan running. A solution that resulted in heavy cold infection for me on my first day to college (Next day, we changed this rule and decided on a rotation policy: each day one guy gets to do what he wants with windows and fan; Next week, no one gave damm about windows and fan). 

Usually I don't sleep so early, especially not with a running fan and open windows. But I guess fear and tension of waking early next day made me dose off. Thus ending the beginning of the biggest adventure on which I have ever embarked. The one which is greatly responsible for what I am today. I sometimes think that if I had attended a college in a bigger city, it would have given me more opportunity to develop myself, given me more opportunity to learn about things. But on second thought I don't think I would have been ever able to make the kind of friends I made living in the hostel of smaller town, where one is more connected to people, rather than things.

It's Raining

I wonder why rain brings out the deepest of emotions. I have always enjoyed rain, be it going out in rain on bike with friends for an ice-cream or just standing on my hostel balcony and observing it (makes me miss hostel days). Its so peaceful and beautiful.  As one of my favorite columnist, Baxi said, there is nothing more enjoyable then sitting on a balcony, listening to music, watch rain fall and drink wine. I have experience that and could not agree less.

Although its raining heavily in Gujarat, the rain where I am right now, is not that frequent. And today it has been raining since night. I love it. Just observing the drizzle hit the glass on the window and creating the beautiful pattern is so so relaxing. Watched the Gene Kelly song Singing in the rain. Have to agree with my friend D, he is quite amazing dancer.

I now have my biological clock completely messed up. I had my dinner today at 6 in the morning today. Hope I am getting closer to the normal human timings that are followed.

Judge a man by his questions rather than by his answers - Voltaire

Hard times

These are hard times for me. Wish college friends were here to share thoughts.

Astrology and religion (or should I write Religion)

I am not a big fan of astrology unlike my father. Last time I visited India (or should I say first time), we had discussion about it. It started with my sister insisting on getting some prediction form her friend's astrologer. My father knows a bit of astrology himself (actually, he knows a bit of everything). So we started discussing about the astrology. I have had doubts about it. The primary concerns are due to fact that how could different techniques, like hast-rekha, sun signs, moon signs, lead to the predictions. Is it not too obvious that this many solutions to a complex problem, is not possible.

         

My second concern was that how come some of the techniques allow for the solutions of the problem. I mean, some of the so-called astrologers, predict that you have some bad omen waiting for you and also recommend the cure for it. Is it not a paradox in itself ? If he is wrong, then ok. But, if he is true and you are about to face the bad omen and somehow change it by worshiping some deity, the prediction he made is not right. To me, its comparable to time travel in past, where you could kill your grand parents. Then the question is, how is ones present existence possible ?

My third question was about the diffrences in the prediction made by different persons using the same technique for e.g., moon-sign. How could they differ so much.

And lastly, if the predictions are true, then all the persons born at same time should have the same future. My question then was, why don't we have multiple Dhirubhai(s), or Gandhiji(s). In other words, we should be able to divide all the rich people of the world in different groups, with a single group having people born on same time (Yes, it's too much of logic!!!). 

Now heres is the some of the counter arguments made by my 'Popsy'. I would write them according to the points mentioned above.

1. All the different techniques are based on the similar science. Its comparable to a mathematics problem, solved in multiple ways (as I do not have much detailed knowledge about different techniques, I could not discuss more with him on this topic)

2. Most of the people offering solutions are crook (so no more dicsussion here too).

3. For this question, his reply was that most people consider the time of birth as the actual time of birth, where as it should be calculated as nine months from time of conceiving baby. Also, many people use some of the different methods for calculations, leading to differences in prediction.

4. Now this was interesting. Two counter-arguments proposed by him were, most of the people although thought to be born at same time, they are not. There is minor difference in the time of birth. Secondly, astrology only predicts the future in non-absolute terms, i.e. it can only say if one would be happy or rich or have a good married life. It can not predict the absolute value, i.e. how much money he would have. Here he gave me a good example his astrologer guru (whose name, I am not able to remember now). He was  very poor. His wife was mad and so was his son. But then there was a astrologer of same name living in banglore, who was also supposed to be born on the similar time. Interestingly, they both had same name for their house. Also he too had a mad wife and mad son. 

After, all this discussion, I am still not convinced to believe in astrology. Up-till in college in India, I never gave importance to predictions. But now, when my future is full of uncertainties, I was just trying on internet to see how my future looks there :-). Is it not the lack of confidence that leads you to believe in non-logical things ? I think astrology and religion were invented by some very wise person(s) as a psychological cure for people to overcome the difficult times. But again, I can not comment on them with authority with the meager reading on the subject(s). 

Some of the predictions I got today, were not-consistent with my natuare, while some were. But can not forget what my popsy told me, about me. According to him, my laziness has the astrological basis. NO doubt that I have not been able to overcome it !!!

Superstition is to religion what astrology is to astronomy; the mad daughter of a wise mother - Voltaire

Just some thoughts, full of contradictions..

Today in very sad mood. Have been thinking about the life ahead and it gives me a head-ache. So not sure about it, so not know whats next. No doubt, It would have made a really nice suspense novel, but in life its hard to live up with secrets. My professor is sure that I would make a good PhD student. He even told me I was better than most of the idiots in their third of year of PhD (i was so flattered, badly needed that ego boost). But still I am not sure of doing a one. I do not think I have patience and ability to work hard, that doctorate requires. And that too study for 4-5 years more.......!!! Its kind of strange that I might have to take up a career that I do not like. At this moment I so much hate people who are so sure about what they want to do with their life, particularly Howard Roarks character in the fountainhead. (at this point, i just remembered lyrics from one of my fav songs, the sunscreen song, how much I would like to believe in the line the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t). The question is if not PhD, then what. And thats the problem. I have so many options if not PhD. I am sure I would be able to find a nice job in India (I never thought i could be a good employee, but from the response that I got from my supervisor here and the employeer back in India, I think I could make a good employee). And then there is always joining the Popsys business. Or else, as the friends have been contemplating, starting our own.

Options makes us confused. Watched somewhere on TED.com a video where experiments suggested that people who have more options in life are the one who tend to be more un-happy in life. And thats what I am. I try to close the eyes and think, what is really that I want to do in life. And after hours of mind-maddening thinking, I have reached the conclusion that basically I want to do nothing. I do not want to work or study. Life would be so much fun, just watching movies, documentaries I like, reading books, listening to music, travelling (and if I may add, drinking wine). Thats what I want to do and I am not sure if I could afford it. Have this stupid bollywood idea that I should just marry (now thats one of the other things I do not wish to do, but still) a rich girl and try to live off her money. But on second though, I attained my senses and realized that it will, most probably, turn out an expensive bargain for me. While I am on that topic, just wanted to put it down officially that I have not been able to maintain prolong interest (more than 2 weeks) in any of the girls. When I look around and see others in relationship or married, I reach the conclusion either there is something terribly wrong with me or with them all. And since in democracy its not right or worng which matters, but the opinion of majority, I conclude its me. Have had four crushes/one- sided love (???) affairs in life. They were each at different stages. In school, it was Miss A. Mrs, now. In undergraduate miss S.S., married to a then friend (long story, and probably not that interesting, should skip it now), in masters in India, Miss C. still single. And here in Europe a videshi girl, Miss M, who is in a relationship. Only expressed my wish to Miss S.S. and it turned out not so good. Since then have played the role of Mentor to all the lovers in college. (was even thinking of writing a book entitled what not to do in Love). To think of it, I realize they were/are just crushes. I have not exchanged more than double digit conversations with any of them, and perhaps that the secret that my crush on them never faded. Had I started talking, god knows, it would have just taken two weeks of intense talking for my mind to have got better of my crush. Or atlest, I hope so.

I was just thinking if the things what we like/choose, makes us or it is the other way around. Is the person defined by the things he likes or the things which are liked by him defines him. Like most of these kind of questions, there is no absolute and right answer to this. Neither black, nor white, but somewhere grey. The life right now is so full of contradictions and the irony is I like logic.