Such innocence

#childhoodmemories is treding on twitter. Reminds me that when I was child, and was watching Hindi movies, the frequent use of 'main teri jaan le lunga' had some effect on me. I thought when we kill some one, we have two lives to live (literally, jaan le li), one ours and one of the person whom we kill (like a second life in video game). Could not imagine any other reason why people would want to kill anyone. Ah, such innocence!

Spit and Drink (!)

Most of the people must have experienced how thinking about past memories can bring out an involountary smile on one's face!!

One such thing happened to me now! I don't know if this is worth sharing to 'elite' world outside. During college days (most of the worth remembering memories are from that time), we bunch of friends would sit in canteen most of the time. We were what people say in India 'Lukkhas', nothing better to do. The rush in canteen after the exam would be akin to the one we find in a fair. Also, we had only 15-20 mins time, as straight after our internal exams in morning, we would have lectures (oh yes, we dont need to read for next day exam. We are born geniuses!). 

This incident happened during our 3rd or 4th sem internals. After the exams we would wait eagerly for getting tea in canteen. As the rush was too much, and we students didn't believe in queuing the end result was chaos. Now one of my friend, too small in size would pass through the maze of people and would invariably get a hand on tea owing to his small size. But the thing did not stop there. As we were back then, intolerant to defeat, we would try to sneak his tea if and when he places it on table. Owing to his small size, he would not be in position to challenge us. 

So he comes up with this brilliant idea of 'spitting' in his tea cup before putting it to rest on table, so that we would not grab from table and drink it!!! This idea, he thought was his way to eternal bliss in canteen! We were dumbstruck. We did not mind drinking someone's 'joothi chai', but to drink tea someone has spitted into was awful to imagine. And so this little friend of ours behaved like a king, drinking his tea peacefully while we all waited for ours. As soon as he got his cup, he would spit in it and then drink it leisurely. He would also challenge us to have a sip from his cup! This continued for almost a week. 

I was annoyed at his public display of triumph. Was not sure what to do and how to deal with it. Now one day, after exam as we were sitting in canteen, he got his cup early, spit into it. Kept it on table. Challeged  us to drink from it. Me, at the spur of moment, took the cup, with everyone on table watching me. Took it near my mouth and voila: spitted in it too. Then challenged my little friend to drink it!!!

I was ecstatic for my solution for weeks to come! Such were the days, simple things were enough to make us happy!

On names

Someone called Sanyogita started to follow me on Twitter. I really liked the name. So started thinking of all the beautyful names that I have read in the novels of Ashwini Bhatt (very famous author in Gujarati language). Some of the ones which I like are below:

1. Lajja Sanyal

2. Shailja Sagar

3. Aaska Mandal

4. Sachi Mainak

The first three are the titles of his books too!!

Beauty and Brains

I do not know if this is true, but heard someone say it (probably my father) and it was damm funny. As you might be aware, Mr. George Bernard Shaw, considered one of the most intelligent person in England was not the most handsome of the person. The story goes like this, once in some party a very (I would like to think it would be a very very) pretty lady told Bernard Shaw that perhaps they should get married. Perplexed Shaw asks for the reason and the lady answers, it would be perfect, with me so beautiful and you so intelligent, we would have perfect kids, the ones which are most beautiful and intelligent. Now the response of Shaw is awesome. He says, pardon me lady, I dont think the risk is worth taking, what happens if our kids have my beauty and your intelligence!!! 

Thinking: can't live with you, can't live without you

I have been told many a times by my father that I think too much. Put too much of mental effort on every problem. According to him, I am so much afraid of being deceived, that I am not enjoying life per se.

Recently. I have been thinking (haha) that he is right. Like someone said in response to define poison, that excess of anything is poison, I feel right now, too much of thinking is injurious to one's health.

Home sweet home...

Just realized that I would do anything to live at 221B Baker Street, London (alas, there is no such place) or at 21 Rajnisen road,Calcutta. The former is the address of Mr. Sherlock Holmes, while the later is the address of Pradosh Mitra aka Feluda.  Both are the famous fictional detectives, whom I adore. Then there is Poirot and Byomkesh, but nothing matches Feluda and Holmes.

A short story (Still searching for a title)

This was of waiting preiod at the airport leaves me with two things, either start with the analysis of my research data or start with the completing the short-story I have started. As i am anti-working, i choose to continue with the story. Since the story is on my mail account, ill have to probably re-write again. Dont think its good. Also, havent been able to find a suitable title for it.

This time he was sure that this was love. Yes, Mayur Patel was finally in True Love. He had been lead to belive so, previously too. But this time, he was sure that it was different (surprisingly, he had felt the same feeling of ’this’ time being different previosly too). But he now had evidence to prove his love. The shortness of breadh that he felt when she was around was one of the many evidences. He could not sleep now a days. Not even in the lectures (his professors thought this as a sign that he was finally developing an interest in studies). Also, now that he was is college and not school, he considered himself mature enough to recognise the true love from infactuations. Like always, he thought of confiding this to his room-mates, but later decided against it as he felt that they would not belive him ’again’. So what he did was to secretly follow her.

But lets look into what ignited this love. The cupid stuck his blow in the college cafetaria. The first internal exams of his third semester were going on and he was the first to leave the examination hall. He had won the bet again from his frind Chaitanya. During all the mid-term exams, the usual bet was that one who leaves exam hall early wins a free cup of tea from the other person. The grades were not to be taken into account for the competition (after all it was competition of courage not intelligence). As he expected, Chaitanya was the second one to enter the cafeteria, with a mixture of emotions. He was happy that his over-reading last night had paid off and his exam went off well. However, he was more disappointed to have lost the prestigiou free tea competition.

Soon the cafeteria was full and almost all his buddies were there. It was then that Rohan asked who the hell in cafeteria was laughing like Hyena. It was then Mayur realised that what he thought was slow bethoven-’type’ music was indeed sound of some one laughing. To him the sound of that laugh was next to divinity. His friends who were fortunate enought to have girl-friends knew that it was the new girl in the first semester class, named Sachi. He loved the name too, and thought it too was divine (which indead was, Sachi was lord Indra’s wife). She had joined the college late and by not being a hot-smoking beauty, she was not famous in boys hostel, yet.

He felt a bit strange when he saw her. His attraction towrds her only grew when he saw her. He was inheretently shy boy, atlest to girls. She was wearing the long sleeved dress, with a matching dupatta. She was the most preety girl, he thought, that he had ever seen. Her face was shaped like an almond. He could read innocent-intelligence in her eyes. The most striking feature was perhaps her big, round, brown spectacles which covered her big eyes and laid still on her nose. There was something different about her nose, he could not tell what. But he was highly impressed. The hair were tempting enought for him to leave a big home, to live under their shade. Her smile was the most captivating. It had power to bring dead to life.

So, back to present. Now unable to confide in his friends, he took the way that most of the loves take. He started to follow her (stalking is too harsh a word to be used). It seemed she like laughting. Most of the time he was following her, he felt like he was attending the Bethoven opera which was lasting a bit longer then usual, and he was not complaining.  The more he followed her, the more sure he became that he and she cant be together. They were so much diffeerent. He was one of those who was sure that he will fail the exams untill the results came (and strangely, he was right most of  the time), while she had topped the first internal exam, inspite being late to join college. She seemed so much extrovert, while he was one of those unlucky introverts. She was so beautiful and he was so un-handsome (again, ugly is such rougt word). The more he thought of her beauty, more he became aware of his un-handsomeness. Perphas he should become more consious about his appearence. He thought of shaving off his mustache. He only had kept his mustache for this family tradition/religion asked him to keep it. She was so fair, and he so much un-fair (black). He decided to buy some fairing cream for himself. But the worse was that he could not think about any similarites in them. He sometimes took solace thinking, perhaps, opposities do attract.

However, uable to talk with her, discuss about her with friends, he had started looking like the third-carbon copy of Mr. Devdas (You need to have some Indian back ground to underhand this). His apparent appearence did attract the attention of his buddies, which now bugged him to tell them what was bothering him. Was there something wrong back home ? was there any money problem ? Was he worried about his grades (he could laught at the last suggestion). So atlast he gave in. All of them were shocked to learn that he had fallen in love again. They were more shocked as this time even they felt that it was for real. And the apex of their shockness was when they learned that he had fallen for Sachi. Inspite of their shocks, his buddies did what buddies are suppose to do. Offereed all the suggestions that could help him win her heart. Chirag, one of the buddy with connection in girls-hostel, offered to dig all the information he could dig on her by next day. Even better, his friend Niket suggested they go to railway station, and call his girlfriend in hotel and get information now. When Mayur did not object to this, they went to the station and were back after a long angusing wait of two hours. They were back with all the information one needs to employ a prospective employee, including her school grades. Knowing more about her, only made things worst for him. He just thougth about here untill he dosed off to sleep.  

Next day, as usuall, he was following her. But today, there was something different about her. She looked even more beautiful then usual. She even had a different specs, which were bigger then her usual big specs. He was waiting for her outside her class at the time of the 15 minutes break that they got in between lectures. She came out with her usual group of friends. He knew exaclty what they were going to do. Visit the lavatory together like a flock of birds. Then go outside in the college garden and giggle untill the lectures started again. She started walking along with her friends and he started following her. They were on their way to loo­.  They entered female one and he entereed mens toiled. There was some noise outside, perhaps girls from other classes were also n the break.

Usually girls took some time and he would be waiting for them outside. But today when he came out of loo, he found Sachi was already standing there alone. There was a glint in her eyes, like catching a thief. He felt awful, like the time when when he was caught copying form a chit during his economics paper. She smiled, and he felt a bit at ease. She said hi and asked if he was Mayur ? He was astonished to know that she knew his name. She asked she was feeling it a bit difficult to study economics and if he could help her with it. She did not feel like attending the lecture and they could discuss economics in the library. He agreed, amist fear of girls and economics both on his mind. 

They went to library and she sarted talking about all the things except economics. He also relaxed slowly, as he did not have to speak a lot and she had not asked anything about economics. During their talk, she told she liked mustaches.  He wanted to reciprocase the compliment and thought over what to praise in her. Should he praise her vocie, laugh, here sense of simipliciyt in fasion ? he suddenly said he liked her nose. And then the continued to talk. They talked many a times later. Ah, but from the next day after their first meeting, Mayur had started applying oil on his mustache for it to grow well, while Sachi stopped wearing big specs, whcih she used to cover her proportionately big nose. 
True love does make you accept worst of you! 

Which does not kill me

Nietzsche once said: That which does not kill us makes us stronger. I need to modify it for me for a more relevent context. 

That which does not kill me, makes me lazier. 

Need to do something about it. Have visa for one more month to stay in Europe, need to finish thesis, submit all the reports and give an interview.


Seems like there is a lot on the plate (of the guy who is fasting!!)

Right now

1. Wanted to make a list of 'Things to-do' in life and could not write down a single point (except to travel to Paris, but then it has been dream since I don't remember when). Makes me think if I am too much satisfied with life or too lazy to work for anything in life.

2. Just had a thought would humans would be much better/worse if,

    a) They were immortal and knew about it

    b) Did not have any idea about mortality

3. Thought about Communalism/Socialism/Capitalism, trying to find out which was the best way of governance. Not a fan of communalism, but its a difficult choice between socialism and capitalism. Mind says capitalism, heart says socialism. 

4. Have been thinking a lot about love. Still remains an enigma for me. Have been trying to figure out what it does actually mean ? Does it differ from wife to parents; from bother to friend ? If so, in what way. On the side thought, would it be possible to be in love with a person knowing he/she hates you ?

5.  Thought about secret cyber identities. Why people like to keep their identity secret on web, even if they are not doing/writing any damming stuff. Is there not a secret desire in most of them to get identified ? 

Bored

Feel very much bored and a bit tensed at time moment. Wish there was some intelligent soul to talk with.

Likes-dislikes

I do not like people whose testimonials in orkut is filled with spam pictures telling how sexy/beautiful/smart the person is.

Just realised

I just realised that reading all those suspense novels for years, has made me in-tolerant to secrets. Also, on a completely different subject, made a note that I am prone to fall in love.

Just some thoughts, full of contradictions..

Today in very sad mood. Have been thinking about the life ahead and it gives me a head-ache. So not sure about it, so not know whats next. No doubt, It would have made a really nice suspense novel, but in life its hard to live up with secrets. My professor is sure that I would make a good PhD student. He even told me I was better than most of the idiots in their third of year of PhD (i was so flattered, badly needed that ego boost). But still I am not sure of doing a one. I do not think I have patience and ability to work hard, that doctorate requires. And that too study for 4-5 years more.......!!! Its kind of strange that I might have to take up a career that I do not like. At this moment I so much hate people who are so sure about what they want to do with their life, particularly Howard Roarks character in the fountainhead. (at this point, i just remembered lyrics from one of my fav songs, the sunscreen song, how much I would like to believe in the line the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t). The question is if not PhD, then what. And thats the problem. I have so many options if not PhD. I am sure I would be able to find a nice job in India (I never thought i could be a good employee, but from the response that I got from my supervisor here and the employeer back in India, I think I could make a good employee). And then there is always joining the Popsys business. Or else, as the friends have been contemplating, starting our own.

Options makes us confused. Watched somewhere on TED.com a video where experiments suggested that people who have more options in life are the one who tend to be more un-happy in life. And thats what I am. I try to close the eyes and think, what is really that I want to do in life. And after hours of mind-maddening thinking, I have reached the conclusion that basically I want to do nothing. I do not want to work or study. Life would be so much fun, just watching movies, documentaries I like, reading books, listening to music, travelling (and if I may add, drinking wine). Thats what I want to do and I am not sure if I could afford it. Have this stupid bollywood idea that I should just marry (now thats one of the other things I do not wish to do, but still) a rich girl and try to live off her money. But on second though, I attained my senses and realized that it will, most probably, turn out an expensive bargain for me. While I am on that topic, just wanted to put it down officially that I have not been able to maintain prolong interest (more than 2 weeks) in any of the girls. When I look around and see others in relationship or married, I reach the conclusion either there is something terribly wrong with me or with them all. And since in democracy its not right or worng which matters, but the opinion of majority, I conclude its me. Have had four crushes/one- sided love (???) affairs in life. They were each at different stages. In school, it was Miss A. Mrs, now. In undergraduate miss S.S., married to a then friend (long story, and probably not that interesting, should skip it now), in masters in India, Miss C. still single. And here in Europe a videshi girl, Miss M, who is in a relationship. Only expressed my wish to Miss S.S. and it turned out not so good. Since then have played the role of Mentor to all the lovers in college. (was even thinking of writing a book entitled what not to do in Love). To think of it, I realize they were/are just crushes. I have not exchanged more than double digit conversations with any of them, and perhaps that the secret that my crush on them never faded. Had I started talking, god knows, it would have just taken two weeks of intense talking for my mind to have got better of my crush. Or atlest, I hope so.

I was just thinking if the things what we like/choose, makes us or it is the other way around. Is the person defined by the things he likes or the things which are liked by him defines him. Like most of these kind of questions, there is no absolute and right answer to this. Neither black, nor white, but somewhere grey. The life right now is so full of contradictions and the irony is I like logic.